I want to talk to you about some things I’ve been keeping in.
I keep hitting the snooze button I’ve been sleeping in
On all the talks that we could have between a son and a dad but I’m not good at calling home and checking in.
Where do I begin? I guess with my father I’ve never bothered to talk about him or how it bothers me. I keep thinking about how He was never around and I have my own kids now and can’t imagine them doing without. Even worse I feel like I can’t relate to their love because all I had was hate for my dad, I’m thankful for what, they’re teaching me I can’t even begin to describe how much it means to me. Still underneath I have this secrecy of feelings I’m not dealing with I’d rather feel sick to my stomach than reveal it. Why was he never there? Why did he die in his early years? Why am I reminded of him every time I look in the mirror? Why is “you’re just like your dad” the only thing I would ever hear? It’s so repetitive I just want a sedative from it because I can’t take the big picture and make this positive from the negative. But they say clear pictures are developed in dark rooms. If that’s true then turn the lights out and help me feel my way through.
“Way to start off heavy I guess.. I’m sorry I just have to get stuff off my chest.” I’m stressed and messed up in the head battling with being depressed and I’m just trying to put a smile on and give my best.
I’m not a product of abuse, I’m a result of neglect. Is it my fault she hides away and work herself to death? She filled my life with material things that resulted from her success but I needed a mom to talk to when my life got complex. I’d rather sit down and chatter with her until it turns to laughter but I was muted and sent to my room to tend to my own fractures.
The thing is our relationship was built on a lie “is this one my dad? No” “How about him?” “Your dad died” and I was nine! she keeps telling me I need time but I never got the time of day for her to sit down and explain WHY
and everyone else in the family gave me a different excuse and loose ends and hoops to jump through I just want the truth
if she gave it to me I don’t know if I could believe her no matter how eager I am I just want freedom from my family. God if you healed this what can it be? I’m full of my own flaws so I don’t ask for perfection I just pray for a step in the right direction